


Curious Fools

by thelonekate



Category: Phan, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Phil Lester - Fandom, dan and phil
Genre: Angst, Other, Sad Phil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-16
Updated: 2016-08-16
Packaged: 2018-08-09 04:24:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7786669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thelonekate/pseuds/thelonekate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If he were honest, Phil couldn’t say that he had never wished that he could go back in time and live a minimally peaceful life once more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Curious Fools

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: It would mean the world to me if you could leave me feedback on how to improve my writing. Hope you enjoy!

“Alright, I’m off.” Phil looked up from his laptop to see Dan hastily grabbing his jacket, making the coat rack that was its prior home come dangerously close to tipping over. Phil rolled his eyes and smiled as he gently put his laptop on the sofa cushion beside him and started walking towards Dan, who was trying to tie his shoes in record time. “Late again, are we?” “Shut up! And you’re one to talk. Remember the time when you slept in and we were almost an _hour_ late for Peej’s New Year’s party?” “Touché.” There was a pause, the only noise being Dan muttering and cursing under his breath. “Don’t forget to make sure that we have enough drinks!” Dan shouted behind his shoulder, tightening the worn laces on his all-black Converse shoes. “I’m right here, you spoon.” “Oh…right.” Phil chuckled. Dan stood up and sighed while Phil placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder. “Relax. Keep this up, and you’ll be way too stressed to have any fun. It was, after all, your idea to have an after-tour celebration. My mum’s going to think that I’m driving you insane!” “Well, if she hasn’t figured that out by now, sh-“ “Oi!” Phil lightly punched Dan in the arm as they laughed in unison. Phil hung his head forward, his mouth still agape as he carelessly glanced at his watch. He gasped. “It’s 4:33!” “Yeah, I should get going. Don’t forget about the drinks!” “Yeah, yeah, I’ll set up, now go!” Phil practically shoved Dan out of their flat’s front door and closed it, forcing Dan out of the void of his procrastination. He opened the door slightly to see Dan jogging down the hall towards the lift, his breathing echoing in loud bounds off of the walls. _Only five feet away from the flat, and already he’s tired._ Phil smiled and shook his head almost disapprovingly. _That’s my Dan._ Phil closed the flat door and started working down his party checklist. Catan and King of Tokyo? Check. Plates and utensils? Check. Phil nodded, as if he was trying to impress himself. “Everything’s good.” Phil had been rightly shocked at Dan’s proposal, what with the chaos that they went through for the past four months. But now that it’s unfolding itself, the idea seemed to really pull through. Board games, pizza and Ribena had more of a Dan and Phil vibe than fancy cocktails and drunk YouTubers groping each other on the dance floor. He went to go sit down, but Dan’s voice rang in his ears and made him stop in his tracks. The drinks. Right. Phil quickened his pace as he neared the fridge. Now that the times were pushed, who knows how long it’ll take Dan to get back to the flat. The refrigerator door swung open, and the sudden cool breeze amidst the muggy flat made Phil shudder. A variety of sodas, waters and juices stood proud and tall in a neat row on the side of the fridge. Phil hummed a satisfied tune and closed the fridge door. About to turn around, a flash of colour caught his eye and he stopped in his tracks for a second time. He turns to face the fridge, only to notice something that he had never seen before. A picture. A photograph, to be precise. They were in Clearwater, and while Dan gave the camera his signature smile, Phil was holding up a sign with “This is the most fun we’ve ever had” printed neatly on the front of it. The paper hid Phil’s mouth, but he swears that he can still feel the ache of the grin he had put on that day. Two curious fools, walking into eternity together. He sighed. Dan must’ve put it up there, as Phil has no recollection of ever seeing it. He pulled it gently, the tape peeling off of the fridge’s metallic surface like a wet bandage and brought it with him to sit down on the sofa. As Phil sat down, he noticed another picture of them, this one from 2009 and one that he was all too familiar with. It was sitting on a table in the corner of the room, a place where hardly any would look, even subconsciously. Heart hands, a trademark of 2009 Dan and Phil, especially in their earlier videos. Both of them had their hands out front, smiling naively into the camera, without a care in the world. The days had been simple, with YouTube and Younow and Starbucks and the occasional cuddle leading deep into the dimness of the night. Streetlamps had lit their pathways, not camera flashes. If he were honest, Phil couldn’t say that he had never wished that he could go back in time and live a minimally peaceful life once more. His eyes remain locked on the picture sitting neatly in its frame. If you had told him in 2009 that he would be living with the love of his platonic life, travelling around the world, meeting up with millions of his fans and being in the spotlight 24/7, he would’ve ran the 88 miles per hour in a heartbeat just to get here. Phil shook his head. “Curious fool.” he muttered. It all goes away in an instant, like steam rising and quickly disappearing into the air. One second, you’re smiling and wondering what the sky will look like tonight, the next, you’re worrying about when your next video will go up and your potentially insane fanbase and whether or not you’re going to feel well enough to do a live show and dear god what happens if something gets leaked- “You’re paranoid.” His voice seemed to shake the entire building, as if it were about to collapse on him. He suddenly found his gaze zoning in on their YouTube play buttons, proudly displayed in their lounge for everyone to see. Main channels. Side channels. Gaming channel. Damn it, even their _craft channel_ had its own display. Since when did things become so…complicated? It seems the spark they had created had quickly become an out of control flame; a savage creature of sorts. The endless amounts of questions left unanswered, the promises left undusted…when did he last upload a video? Three weeks? “Damn it.” Phil got up and walked over to the bathroom, his feet making more noise than usual. He turned on the sink with an unsatisfied screech and splashed icy water on his face. When he looked up at the mirror, his eyes widened. My god, he couldn’t even recognize himself. He stared at his reflection perpetually, secretly hoping that Dan would burst through the door and make him laugh, or start some casual banter. Shame. Shame and neglect written all over his face in the most obvious of inks; a code he couldn’t decipher until now. Not neglectful like he felt during his lack of care for multiple Susans, but something a bit more than that, as if a much darker and real piece of him started beating to the tune of his heart. Phil forced a smile, his mouth curving into a grotesque worm-like shape, before falling back into a thin line. They were still happy. Weren’t they? The ache of his smile seemed a thousand years in the past, but it had still been there. He wondered if going on tour made up for their inactivity. Or, perhaps the tour _was_ their activity. “Bullshit.” The mirror rattled in his diction. The tour was great, probably one of the highlights of his life thus far, but in time it’ll be nothing but a story. YouTube, on the other hand, well…he is quite familiar with how much of an impact a YouTube video can have in days and months and even years. He could picture it now, all of the anger building up inside of their ‘phandom’ until it was bursting at the seams. Three weeks? _Three fucking weeks!?_ Suddenly, the hate comments seem more present than he remembers them being. All of these jokes and jabs at him and Dan for not uploading in a couple of months suddenly seem like more than just that. And, _my god_ , do they sting. His eyes are misty, he knows it, he knows it and he hates it and he wants it to **stop**. This is wrong. Dan has the existential crisis, not him. He wasn’t supposed to think like this. Phil desperately rubbed his eyes, making them turn a light shade of pink. The tears were falling, and he didn’t like it. He let out a sigh, but it came out wobbly and broken, like a gust of wind seeping through a cracked window. He moved back towards the lounge, feeling light headed. He needed to sit down. He put his head in his hands. Does the acknowledgement of an existential crisis make it less of a crisis? His watery eyes trailed over to the picture off of the fridge. “No.” he said, not above a whisper. The acknowledgement of an existential crisis makes it more. It makes it _real_. It’s like seeing yourself from a corner of the room, reliving your worst moments and forgetting what it’s like to breathe fresh air. When the first sob came, he was surprised, to say the least. Despite the tears now running down his face, he had half expected himself to remain the happy rock that he was known for being. He thought he could pull through, but he should have known that rocks have a tendency to sink. His shoulders started moving up and down, in time with his breathing. His heart was rattling in his chest, beating faster and causing his entire body to shake. And alone, in the warmth of his flat, he wept. There were arms around him. At first, he wasn’t sure if it was real or not, but god did he want it to be. “Phil, it’s me. It’s Dan. What’s wrong?” Dan pulled him in closer, Phil's tears staining the shoulder of his shirt. Phil’s first instinct was to stop crying, stop with this nonsense, be brave, you’ve done it before and you can do it again, but when he opened his mouth, all that came out was a small sob. He sniffled and shook his head helplessly. “Oh, Phil. It’s okay. I’m here.” Dan spoke softly and slowly, as if blowing out a candle. They held each other perpetually, two curious fools left out in the cold. Somewhere deep in his throat, Phil’s gravelly voice broke the dam. “I…” Dan jumped slightly. His ears had grown accustomed to the silence. “Yeah?” “Is what we’ve become…” his voice broke, and he stopped to catch his breath. “Is it…good?” Dan blinked. He wasn’t sure what he had expected Phil to say, but it certainly wasn’t that. He was unsure what he meant, but he knew that Phil couldn’t tell him even if he wanted to. He found his gaze travelling around the room, thinking of the next step, what to do next, if there was anything he could do. His gaze landed on the picture he had taped to the fridge earlier. Oh. _Oh._ Dan moved his arm and draped it awkwardly around Phil back, so that he could see his face. “Phil, well…yes, I’d say so.” “Are you sure?” His response was immediate, and for the first time in the night, Phil shifted his gaze to look directly at Dan. The typically white void surrounding his iris was a deep shade of red, and it made his eyes look bluer than ever. “…yes.” Dan shifted his position slightly. “How far we’ve come _is_ a good thing.” Dan said, almost as if he was trying to convince himself. He paused. “Phil, what’s your favourite part of making YouTube videos?” “S…smile.” Phil whispered. “That’s right. And look at how many people we’ve made smile. Not just with YouTube, but with our book, and now with our tour.” “Is that…a good thing?” “Yes, silly. Now, we can actually see the viewers and thank them for getting us to where we are now.” “Won’t they get upset? I mean…posted in over three weeks and…and…” Phil mumbled, his heart simply fluttering in his chest. Dan desperately took Phil’s hand. “It doesn’t matter. None of that matters. What matters is that we still enjoy what we’re doing. And as long as we continue to make people happy…I’d say that what we’re doing is worth it.” This made Phil smile. Starting with a small smirk, it soon grew like a virus all across his face. Ah, there was that ache that he missed. Ink tends to wash off anyways. Dan released Phil from his bear-like grip and walked towards the kitchen. “Where are all of the people?” “Oh. Yeah. They cancelled, said that my mum had a bad flu and they didn’t want to leave her. Another time.” Dan hummed calmly as he put the party supplies away. Phil felt hollow, as if he had lost all of his bones on his journey to this exact moment, but Dan’s singing was warm and inviting, like someone had lit the fireplace. He didn’t even mind having his plans kyboshed, because all he wanted to do was spend the rest of eternity with his curious fool.


End file.
